Human Shield

As my kids get older, the idea of forcibly strapping them to me so they can't ever get out of my sight, and therefore never get hurt, looks better and better.  This idea may sound silly, but I think that most parents could see my point of view. 

Yesterday was my son's first day of Primary (an age induced graduation of church classes) and it was hard for me.  I brought him, and basically suckered him into letting me stay to keep an eye on him. I sat in the back, and he looked back every few minutes, and I would smile and wave. Twice he ran back and hugged me and said "I just needed to hug and kiss you". Of course I willingly accepted, and sent him back to his seat.  I could tell he was bored. He kept putting his head between his legs, and trying to talk to his teacher (who by the way didn't talk back, which is a whole other story in mommy protectiveness) and looking around. I know a lot of it is because he wasn't engaged. If he had paid attention he would have realized they were singing fun songs and being silly.  And I have to say, I didn't like it.

I know that it's important for him to go and learn to interact, and have fun. But it took almost everything in me to stay at the back and not be his mouth piece. Which I have come to realize I do quite often. If he says something, I pay attention, if others don't, as the adult, I make sure that they have heard him and respond. It killed me to sit back and watch him in a new environment and not hold his hand and make the teacher respond to him.

After the big group meets then they go into smaller classes, and I did not go with him. I knew that part of the reason he hadn't enjoyed the other meeting was because I was in the back, and he didn't have to pay attention to the teacher, cause he paid attention to me.  In the middle of his class, his teacher brought him to me to go to the bathroom. We talked for moment, and he said he didn't want to go back. I almost picked  him up and just went home and cuddled him. He is growing so fast, I just want to keep him as my little boy as long as I can. But I sucked it up, and sent him back. After church I went to get him, hoping that my efforts had paid off, and his class was fun. I got there, he was sitting on the teachers lap across the room from the other kids, and as soon as he saw me he said "They won't pass it to me" and the teacher looked at me and smiled, and didn't say anything.

I wanted to scream! I wanted to grab him and tell that teacher it was her responsibility to teach the other kids to share and to play together. And then I wanted to never take him back. Or let him go anywhere away from me again.

I realize now that my pregnancy hormones may have gotten control of me a little.  And now, I want it to be Sunday again, so we can go back, and I can teach him that he has to go back. That he can't quit because it wasn't what he wanted. I want so badly to be as sure of myself as I have to pretend to be. When in reality, I just want him to snuggle with me forever and never grow up.

So the idea of being a human shield to protect him from bad things seems like a great idea. Especially when I read the news, and hear horribly sad stories about children being hurt, or abused.  But then I realize my mother somehow managed to let me leave. And I turned out okay. I was hurt, and abused at times. And my heart got broken, and people were mean to me, and I cried.  Somehow I survived it all.  I know my kids are stronger than I am. So I know that they can handle it.

I still think it's not a bad idea to want to take away all of his hurt and pain.  I suppose thats part of growing up though, letting him get hurt. And sadly at times encouraging him to push through hard things, and even seek them out. 

He wants to be strong like his dad. If I stop him from going out into the world, I am taking away his dreams.  And mine too. I dream of him feeling the joy I felt the moment I found out he was coming.  The amazing love that I felt when I saw him for the first time. Covered in goo and looking like an alien, he was my alien.  Who am I to take that away from him?

Oh heaven help me, how am I going to let all of my children do this?   Stiff upper lip, right?